The Journey Begins

Pregnancy did to me exactly what I knew it would...it made me even bigger. I mean, yes, it was a gift to be growing another person and to feel him move around and bond with the little life inside of me...yadda yadda yadda. But, every time I went for my checkup, I dreaded getting on the scale. My OBGYN had originally "suggested" I not gain more than 15-20 lbs since I was already overweight. Gaining too much weight could make me susceptible to developing gestational diabetes and cause the baby to grow too big.

Of course, that's exactly what happened anyway. I ended up gaining around 45 lbs. and getting GD in the last week of my pregnancy. Due to my "advanced maternal age" and Cameron's growth, I was subjected to several ultrasounds to keep tabs on him. Toward the end, I was having them every week. In fact, I had one the day before he was born. They estimated his size to be 9 lbs. 2 oz at 37 weeks. The next day he came out at 9 lbs. 9 oz. Had he stayed in the last 3 weeks, he likely would have weighed 11 lbs or so. Thank heaven for the miracle of c-section is all I have to say about that...

I mentioned previously that I first learned of Lap Band when I was newly pregnant, which was early 2006. After he was born and I got past the newborn phase of very little sleep and lack of routine, I was miffed to find that the "baby weight" didn't come off as much as I had hoped. I tried Weight Watchers for awhile, but with the obligations of a baby and working full time, it just wasn't something I could organize myself enough to do. I also tried Atkins. I lost weight, of course, but that way of eating just gets boring after awhile, and I don't see how anyone can stick with it long term. In fact, I don't know anyone who has. It's like a yo-yo diet in a book based on what I've seen.

And, so, right around my son's 2nd birthday, I found myself still bigger than before I was pregnant. The baby weight that did manage to come off in the first few weeks following his birth was actually starting to slowly add back on, and nothing I tried during those two years had worked. In fact, the bigger I got, the more depressed I got about it, and the more I gave up. It's very hard to come by motivation when you feel like you have so far to go. Finally, after the embarrassment of two of our kitchen chairs collapsing under me with my son on my lap, I realized I needed serious help.

Lap Band came back to the front of my mind and my research began anew. I found out that there was a bariatric surgeon just up the street from where I work. I read every page of his website several times and finally called and made a consultation appointment. I was nervous. At first, I wasn't sure if Lap Band was right for me or if the doctor would think that the more extreme Gastric Bypass would be best. And, I had no idea if my insurance would pay for either. I knew I couldn't afford to pay for it myself, so if I was denied my last hope, I didn't know how I would pull myself up out of the let down.

On the other hand, a part of me was scared to even pursue weight loss surgery. Ten years prior in 1998 (see...the 10 year thing comes up again!), my father had gastric bypass surgery. He needed a knee replaced and he was advised to lose a lot of weight so that the replacement would be successful. Too much weight on a fake knee would result in breakdown of the joint and he would need it replaced again and again. Knowing that my friend had had bypass and was doing wonderfully, he consulted with the doctor, went through all the paperwork and hoops and was set to have it done.

I remember talking to him in the days right before the surgery. He was excited and nervous. He told me how he couldn't imagine what it was going to be like to be thin. The day of his surgery, my sister, my mother and I were all there. It was a long day, but once he was out of recovery and in his room, we all sat with him and chatted and joked and he seemed in good spirits, as post-operatively in good spirits as possible that is. We all looked forward to him coming home and starting his new life.

I remember the phone call like it was last night. Anytime the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's never a good thing. I vaguely heard the phone ring in my sleep. I opened my eyes and noticed the time, then I heard my mother yell out. I was out of bed in a flash and upstairs in her room. I heard just a piece of the conversation from her end and knew what had happened. I just started screaming, "No No No..." and fell to my knees, crying and screaming. He would never get the chance to find out what it was like to be thin...

As I sat there in the surgeon's office waiting for him to come in the room, I thought about my dad. Why am I doing this? Am I crazy for wanting this? What if something happens to me? I have a 2 year old to watch grow up and I have a lot of living to do with him and his daddy. The consultation was quick. He told me to do what I needed to do for my insurance and we would go from there. I left still not completely sure yet of what I was going to do.

Months passed. Maybe it was a combination of my dad and fear, Winter, and the speed of life in general, but I did nothing to move forward with the surgery. I was stagnant. Soon the nice weather returned and the reality of being overweight, and the limitations and embarrassment which always resulted, came back in a flurry as it always did when the shorts came out of the drawer for the season. It was a late summer outing to my in-laws cabin in Western Maryland that I think kick started my motivation.

They wanted Joe, Cameron and I to go kayaking with them. I had always managed to avoid going kayaking whenever they'd gone. I have a slight fear of water but can overcome it most of the time, albeit the occasional wave of panic will hit me without warning, requiring me to focus on something other than the water at the time. Joe had become increasingly frustrated at my refusal to do these kinds of activities with him and Cameron. I was feeling the pressure to participate. I wasn't happy about it, but I decided to do it anyway.

Honestly, I was really just terrified that the kayak wouldn't hold my weight. Right as I was getting into it, I panicked and got his mother to assure me that it would. I could not find a weight limit printed on the kayak after an extensive search when no one was looking. I had never vocalized this concern to anyone before that moment of panic, and I was so thoroughly embarrassed by asking the question, that I didn't even take satisfaction in the fact that the kayak did carry me down the river without incident.

By the way, it really does suck to always have to be aware of weight limits. People who have been thin their whole life never give it one brain cell's worth of thought, of that I'm sure, and so they cannot even begin to fathom the stress. The kayak was but one more thing that set me apart and highlighted my condition. And, I think for me, it was the final thing. The answer to my question in the surgeon's office became clear. In fact, I had already answered myself that day. I was going to do this because I had a son to watch grow and because I had a lot of living to do with him and his daddy.

I soon called my primary care physician and made an appointment to begin the journey...