A Seed Is Planted

Having vowed all through my 20's to not get married and then to find myself married at 30, I held onto but one last vow. I did not want children. Joe knew it from the beginning. I made it clear so as not to cause any false pretenses. For several years into our marriage, great care was taken on my part to keep that vow. Sure, I knew he wasn't completely on board. After all, he was still in his late 20's and came from a big family compared to mine. But, I was confident in having been straightforward about the issue, and since he married me anyway, his eyes were wide open as far as I was concerned.

I'll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. I was getting ready to paint our master bedroom over the weekend. Something about the paint touched on a piece of knowledge deep inside the recesses of my brain that pregnant women shouldn't paint. My period was about a week late, but I hadn't given it too much thought until that moment, and then it suddenly was all I could think about. I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to test before I started painting just to clear my conscience. So, I told Joe I had to run to Walmart to get a couple of paint brushes and off I went.

I came home with a single test and promptly hid it in the bathroom cabinet. I thought you were supposed to do them with your first morning "go" and that opportunity had already came and went. I knew I couldn't wait until the next morning, though. I really did want to get the painting done, and so I drank a big glass of soda and waited for the need to arise. A little while later, I sauntered into the bathroom like it was just a routine visit. I locked the door, found the test under the sink and ripped it open. I read the directions 3 times and did exactly as instructed.

Moments later...there it was. A single little line that changed everything. I was momentarily frozen as a wave of panic enveloped me. Then, as suddenly as my life had just changed, my voice came back to me and I screamed out "FUCK!" Joe heard and yelled up to ask what was wrong. My response was a more than slightly irritated, "I'm fucking pregnant." To which his immediate response, as he bounded up the 5 steps to stand outside the bathroom door, was a huge grin and a triumphant "YES!" followed by some random hooping and hollering. He was so very proud of himself. I wanted to kill him on the spot.

The terror was a little overwhelming. I went outside to have a cigarette and calm my nerves even though I had just been worried about painting! It turned out to be my last cigarette. After 3 more tests over the next couple days, the denial was quelled and an innate protective instinct must have kicked in which allowed me to quit smoking cold turkey. Slowly over the next few days, reality took hold and the research began.

I like to be prepared. I like to read up, compare notes, know stuff. I don't like surprises. Of course, I realize surprises are a part of life, but research keeps me calm. It helps me deal with things without getting stressed out. So, I researched pregnancy and babies. I read some books and I spent hours online. I read forums for mothers and mothers-to-be. It was on one such mommy forum, that I learned of LAP Band for the first time.

Now, you might think it odd to be reading about LAP Band and thinking about weight loss surgery when I just discovered I was pregnant. Truth is, one of my biggest issues with pregnancy and children was weight gain. It was probably the #1 reason I had vowed to never have children. I didn't want to gain the weight. And, when I finally got pregnant, I was already very overweight. Pregnancy depressed me because I knew what was going to happen to my body. It was only going to get worse.

Back then, my interest in LAP Band was only in passing. I read a little about what it was and read some posts that a post-op woman made about her progress. She seemed happy and I was happy for her, but I was pregnant and at a different stage in life. Although that seed had been planted in my mind, it was the seed planted in my body that required my more immediate attention. So, I pushed the LAP Band research aside and focused on the more impending issue...the new resident that was going to make my body bigger than it had ever been.