39

Ten years ago, I remember saying that it was my last birthday...well, the last birthday I would be celebrating anyway. My coworkers even got me a cake that said, "Happy Last Birthday." I can only imagine the thoughts of the bakery lady when she made that cake. But, no matter how many birthdays you don't celebrate, the years keep climbing until you are right here-staring up at 40 with only 9 months until the summit.

Forty seems like going to the dentist for a toothache. You can't avoid it. You have no idea what will be found, and you know it will probably hurt at least a little, but going there is better than the alternative. And, hey, with the help of some fine pharmaceuticals, you will get through it!

It's mind boggling how much your life changes in 10 years. Yes, a single year, or a single day even, can drastically change the path of life. Ten years, though...it can make you a different person. Ten years ago, I was still a couple of months away from meeting the man I would marry, and that is more proof how you can become a different person because 10 years ago I was completely set on not getting married. I vowed it all throughout my 20's. In my late 20's, I even started a pattern of non-commitment. I dated guys for a couple of months or so and then moved on to the next new and and exciting guy. They never kept my interest for longer than that because after the initial excitement of meeting someone new and the flirting and so on, there was just nothing else.

Truth be told, in my late 20's, I was pretty much a wild woman...at least, wild woman for me. I was discovering a new side of life. You see, I had been, em, "fluffy," my whole life, and as a fluffy girl growing up, I didn't get a lot of attention from guys. There was one now and then but never what you would call a "quality" guy. Then in '98, my father died suddenly. I was 27 and it completely turned me upside down to lose a parent, especially one that was like a best friend. I wasn't ready. I spent the next few months sleeping on his side of the bed at night next to my mom. Of course, life went on....it always does. I got up every morning, took care of our small horse farm, and went to my full time job and about my day. Something changed for me though. I guess maybe in retrospect, I needed a man back in my life. And, I thought there was only one way to get that. I had to be skinny. So, I did what any mature adult female would do.

I stopped eating.

OK, so maybe it wasn't the decision that an intelligent person makes, but I was on a mission. I would go without food for a several days, only drinking coffee and diet iced tea, and then I would eat for a day. The guilt from eating (and the bloated way it made my body feel) would force me to do something really perverse-take laxatives. I started with just one or two but eventually I was taking 6 at a time for a day or two until all the food was gone and I felt blissfully empty again (after a very unpleasant, sometimes painful and housebound day or two). Plus, every evening after work, I would run for an hour on the treadmill.

My clothes got looser and looser, and I had to buy smaller sizes until finally, I was putting on size 4 jeans. The mirror showed a different picture to me, though. I still saw a fat girl in the reflection. When you start at about size 18 and finish able to put on size 4 and it's loose, good sense would tell you, you are skinny now...not me. I would cut the tags out of my size 4 jeans so no one would see. I didn't feel skinny, even though I definitely started getting lots of attention from the opposite sex.

I may have still felt like a fat girl, but the attention from men definitely helped me feel attractive, if only for brief periods. I became almost addicted to feeling attractive to them. It was like an escape from how I felt about myself I guess. Of course, it was difficult to believe them when they said I was thin, but it was nice to hear it anyway. I spent time with several guys over the course of about a year and a half. I may have liked feeling attractive to them, but I wasn't truly attracted to any of them.

Then, as I was nearing 30, I met the one that changed everything. I think I knew it right away, even though I was seeing someone else at the time. That brief relationship only lasted a week more after the fateful meeting of "the one." Yes, I said "the one," cliche' as it sounds. The one your mom always tells you that when you meet them, you will just know. It was actually true and not something your mom just tells you to keep you from marrying a loser!

And, now, here I am...a different person once again. I will be married 9 years this October. I am a mother to a 3 1/2 year old boy. I have traded horses for motorcycles. I've gained back all the weight I had lost all those years ago. But, as I face 40, I am more determined than ever to be thin again. This time, though, I am getting serious help and I'm going to be healthier about it. I have a lot of living to do in my next 10 years and the 10 after that, and this blog will be about the journey to be thinner and healthier...and all the moments in between...